Do you remember back in the day when someone broke up with you and all you could think to yourself was.. "OMG!! How could they break up with ME?? I am awesome!! I'm cute...fun...love a good dirty joke and I don't mind at all if they fart around me!!" You sat with with your friends on endless nights of ice cream, pizza, and any junk food you could possibly get your grimey mits on (with an occasional bottle of peppermint schnaaps) and just repeat over and over again, "why me?? Or, in this case, "why not me?" You ponder this question continuously until you mercifully passout from either a sugar coma or some alcoholic takeover of your bloodstream. Either way, your friends are really quite glad and now will begin to take advantage of the fact that they can be happy without you behind your back!!
Then comes the reality of morning. You squint, find the Advil, take one for every brain cell you picked up off the pillow and had to stuff back into your ear and you realize...that asshole hurt me and now he has to pay!! The depression is over...the planets have now aligned and it's time for revenge!
You think...hmmmm...what would hurt the most??? He waxes his car with a diaper and won't let anyone even come close to driving it..should you destroy it?? Nah...too Ferris Buehller. Should you be icky gooey nice to him?? Flip him off everytime you get the chance?? Tell his new bitch...I mean girlfriend that he left his "rash" cream at your house and he needs to come pick it up?? (which just happens to be a tube of benadryl..) No....you say to yourself..."I know, I will really let him have it...I will just ignore him...maybe do like the swine did and find someone else!"
You go on a manhunt...you look through your yearbook trying to find the person he either hates the most or the phone number of his best friend that grabbed your butt the other day but you never said anything about!! After careful deliberation...you find that very person. He's in a Steelers jersey and looking really fine. You go to the party of the year and you see him...he's in an Eagles jersey and looks cute as hell!! You know you found this kickass other person...but it just doesn't take the place of the asshole in that jersey. You want to hate him anyway, but you've been together for so long that it's just not as easy as you think to let go.
Just for the record, nothing on this planet is wrong with Steven and me!! This is my dramatic way of learning that the Eagles have hired Michael Vick. Please be aware that I am not a supporter of PETA. I honestly believe that if we were not supposed to eat animals, they would not have been made of meat! Seriously..what am I gonna put on the grill on a weekend?? Broccoli??
I am, though, a huge dog lover. I am a supporter of the Humane Society and cannot deal with retards that decide that just because they are human they can take these unconditional bundles of love and think they have the right to be horribly cruel to them. I lost my Eagles after 20 years to this awful person!! It will be hard to refuse the jersey for a while...but I'm sure eventually it will be replaced by something better, just as relationships often are!!
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