Ode to assholes

I'm not going to do my normal ranting today...this one will be short and to the point. I'm sure you're probably thinking something along the lines of "If it's short, post it on facebook dumbass!!" But, for some reason, even though we're all "grown ups", people tend to get offended by swear words and this happens to be a time when "gosh darnit" and "meanie head" just aren't going to work for me.

As you know, my husband is gone for a month training to be an even badder Marine than he already is, getting ready to head to Afghan in October. I know, I know, blah blah blah...we know Tanya, get on with it already!!

So, today I had to mow my lawn. Not an international event or anything, but in my world something that I never have to do since it is considered a stress release for my husband and he is very anal about the manner in which it is executed. Since it couldn't wait until he got home without looking like blind retarded people lived here, I had to get out there and do my half ass job. I grabbed my trusty Coors Light, threw on the iPod and headed out.

I know at this point you're begging for mercy and hoping I will get to the damn point!! I just have to say that I always tease Steven for being the last boy scout. He is always the person people come to for help...usually to work on their cars, but the man has an innate ability to fix just about anything...so people dial 1 800 asksteve and he is always quick to respond!! Since that is the case, you would think some lazy fatass would maybe consider helping out his wife as she is struggling with this machine she knows no more about operating than she does about fixing a car!! Oh no!! I actually had neighbors walk by and wave at me!! Unfucking believeable!! What the hell has happened to common courtesy?? Whoever said "chivalry is dead" wasn't lying. I love the fact that my husband fights for our freedoms, but that whole freedom to be an asshole thing sucks balls!!

Ok...so I lied. It wasn't short, but hey...it couldn't be that bad since you stuck around until the end!! Needless to say, I will start looking for lawncare providers that I can just pay and not have to be aggravated while Steven is deployed. :)

I'm a carnivore..

Hello, my name is Tanya ("hi Tanya") and I am a carnivore! Yes, I admit it, I like to to eat meat. Now, before I go too much further...I know there are people saying, "but Tanya...you are an animal lover? How can this be so?" Well, let's just take a quick second to clarify...I am a member of the Humane Society...not PETA!! Big difference!! If you're not clear on my stance, look up the named organizations and figure it out! If you think I'm a hypocrite..that's fine...go away and stop reading.

Now, as I was saying, I am not in anyway shape or form against throwing a dead carcass on the grill for my personal consumption. I always say, "If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" As far as I'm concerned, the inventor of the charcoal grill should have a Bud Light "real men of genius" commercial made for him! I can just hear it..."Mr. charcoal grill inventor so I can cook meat while watching football!!" Come on..sing it with me...you know it fits perfectly!! Oh, and the word gas can never be substituted for charcoal...it's like CFL for NFL!! It might resemble the real thing, but it is by no means the same!!

Sundays for me are made for football and racing...(yes, I hear the groans and the we know Tanya, we know!!) I just can't imagine watching these events with a carrot stick or a bowl full of lettuce...in fact, I think there is some kind of law against it!! I want something that used to moo, oink or cluck lying dead on my plate, preferably grilled or fried and dipped in something unhealthy and yummy! Add a side of beer and I am pretty much a cardiologist's nightmare! :P

I know there are plenty of people that disagree with me and I have no problem with that...that is the beauty of having freedoms...but please don't hit me in the head with a celery stick and preach to me about how my caveman thinking just doesn't fit in today's way of thinking. I will not hesitate to tape rib bones to your Prius!!

With this said, I am now going to watch the race and munch on something that is sure to clog my arteries!! Have a great day!!

I'm happy with just a pair of Chuck Taylor's

Lately there have been these so called "quizzes" on facebook being passed around from friend to friend in mass quantities! I'm sure most people are familiar with them...."Do you prefer a real penis or a dildo?" "Does your husband really want to sleep with a co-worker?" "Were you a loser or the closet slut in high school?"...and so on.

I wonder to myself on a daily basis, "who the hell sits around and has the time to come up with this shit?" My thoughts then turn to the fat, hairy people in the trailer park, walking around in their wife beaters, cheating on their cousins with their sisters and underage nieces while their women are slaving at McDonald's, making sure to "clear" the tables themselves so they can piece together a happy meal for their 7 kids by the time they go home. But, common sense interrupts this thought reminding me these people barely can put a sentence together, let alone own a computer to type it into! So, as of now, the search continues...

Now, for some reason, we as women love these quizzes! We have demonstrated this need for centuries now, torturing our husbands with the harebrained questions written in Cosmo about "how to please your man" or asking the eternal question, "is your man right for you?" I know the testerone fueled mind finds these mundane and retarded, but sometimes it is much easier to answer a few questions than to have to make your own dinner or watch "Steel Magnolias" for the millionth time. So, we are humored and we call our friends to either complain about what a insensitive dick our man is, or brag about what a wonderful soulmate we have found!! Face it, we've all been on one side or the other of this scenario at least once in our lives so quit the eye rolling and just admit it!

Okay...so back to facebook. I've noticed that lately these are focused on finding our level of femininity! You know...do you own a Coach bag or use the purple Crown Royal bag you received as a gift last Christmas? Do you wear Prada shoes or Chuck Taylors? Blah blah blah...all these things to label you as to whether you are a true woman or some sort of fashion mutant. I personally don't buy into it...but like I said, the female mind cannot resist the temptation to find out what these answers have in store!! It's a sickness and it's way beyond our control!

So, I have come to the conclusion...I like Roxy bags...my Chuck Taylor's and old, grungie vans.. I love to drive my jeep in the mud and drink beer while watching NASCAR and the NFL!! That's me in a nutshell and I personally am content with that. I'm sure these quizzes will continue to tell me that I'm less of a woman and label me as a fashion deformity, but rest assured, I will more than likely continue to fall into the trap of these absurd tests. It's like the people who don't like Howard Stern, but listen to him anyway...they want to see what he's going to say next!!

I've been left for another...

Do you remember back in the day when someone broke up with you and all you could think to yourself was.. "OMG!! How could they break up with ME?? I am awesome!! I'm cute...fun...love a good dirty joke and I don't mind at all if they fart around me!!" You sat with with your friends on endless nights of ice cream, pizza, and any junk food you could possibly get your grimey mits on (with an occasional bottle of peppermint schnaaps) and just repeat over and over again, "why me?? Or, in this case, "why not me?" You ponder this question continuously until you mercifully passout from either a sugar coma or some alcoholic takeover of your bloodstream. Either way, your friends are really quite glad and now will begin to take advantage of the fact that they can be happy without you behind your back!!

Then comes the reality of morning. You squint, find the Advil, take one for every brain cell you picked up off the pillow and had to stuff back into your ear and you realize...that asshole hurt me and now he has to pay!! The depression is over...the planets have now aligned and it's time for revenge!

You think...hmmmm...what would hurt the most??? He waxes his car with a diaper and won't let anyone even come close to driving it..should you destroy it?? Nah...too Ferris Buehller. Should you be icky gooey nice to him?? Flip him off everytime you get the chance?? Tell his new bitch...I mean girlfriend that he left his "rash" cream at your house and he needs to come pick it up?? (which just happens to be a tube of benadryl..) No....you say to yourself..."I know, I will really let him have it...I will just ignore him...maybe do like the swine did and find someone else!"

You go on a manhunt...you look through your yearbook trying to find the person he either hates the most or the phone number of his best friend that grabbed your butt the other day but you never said anything about!! After careful deliberation...you find that very person. He's in a Steelers jersey and looking really fine. You go to the party of the year and you see him...he's in an Eagles jersey and looks cute as hell!! You know you found this kickass other person...but it just doesn't take the place of the asshole in that jersey. You want to hate him anyway, but you've been together for so long that it's just not as easy as you think to let go.

Just for the record, nothing on this planet is wrong with Steven and me!! This is my dramatic way of learning that the Eagles have hired Michael Vick. Please be aware that I am not a supporter of PETA. I honestly believe that if we were not supposed to eat animals, they would not have been made of meat! Seriously..what am I gonna put on the grill on a weekend?? Broccoli??

I am, though, a huge dog lover. I am a supporter of the Humane Society and cannot deal with retards that decide that just because they are human they can take these unconditional bundles of love and think they have the right to be horribly cruel to them. I lost my Eagles after 20 years to this awful person!! It will be hard to refuse the jersey for a while...but I'm sure eventually it will be replaced by something better, just as relationships often are!!

The wonderful hell of raising a teenager

1. A couple years ago my daughter informs me she wants a myspace page cause "like everyone else has one and I neeeeeed one to stay in contact with my friends!" Now, it's not like when she's begging for a new pair of Hollister jeans or some UGG's she saw her friend wearing and will just die if she doesn't have them too!! No, this meant potential stalkers, pedophiles crazy guys with a penis pump and an unlimted supply of viagra pretending to be a 13 year old!! Ugh...Now, this may not seem like some logical form of thinking to some people, but when you are not only the parent of teenager, but one with a big booty and blonde hair...your imagination tends to kick into high gear until the point you are convinced that everyone with a penis is dirty, nasty and must be destroyed!! On the on the other hand..you want to be the "cool" parent and you give in to the offspring and let her have her profile..under one condition, I have one too so I can keep an eye on what is going on. She reluctantly agrees and so it begins.

Now, as far as teenagers go, I am extremely fortunate! Jaylin is a smart, beautiful girl who gets good grades, is not strung out on drugs and is not interested in being knocked up. Whew!! I figure with those odds these days, something must be going somewhat right! I let her continue with her myspace page and aside from the occasional nagging of "don't post the word fuck" and "erase the bikini shots", things are going fine. Plus, she has a step dad that keeps reminding her that "boys can run from the Marine Corps, but they will die tired". This will someday account for embarrassing dates, threats with the black belt and the nightly commencing of the cleaning of the gun...or hand grenades, mortars, fifty cals..whatever might happen to be available at the armory that given day and time!! She may not apprecieate it at the time, but it will certainly give us a good giggle!!

Help me out with this one my fellow old people...are things really that much different from when we are kids?? I just don't remember all the pressures that seem to go on nowadays. Maybe it's because I'm a parent and tend to see things more clearly?? Or are there just that many more issues for young people to deal with these days? Jeez...I could probably ramble for much longer on this, but I will spare you the agony and save more ranting for another day!! Good night!! :)

...and it begins...pre season football!!

At 1700 today...(5:00 to you civilian types) I tuned to NBC and I immediately smelled the scent of overpriced beer and undercooked hot dogs...I heard the crunching of peanut shells under my feet and the glorious sound of helmet hitting helmet..I let out a sigh and realized that I was watching the first game of pre-season football!! Not some sissy college game or some Canadians trying to hide the fact that they should stick to hockey...this was the real deal!! THIS was the NFL!!

Now, for everyone who doesn't know me well or just hasn't talked to me for a while, this is the day I have been waiting for since the Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl! This symbolizes Sundays on the couch eating hot wings, drinking beer, smoking cigars and grilling bratwurst. Here come the days of...if the game is on, there are to be no screaming children, no chatty wives or anyone else that will not sit and watch game in my house. It's time to break out the jerseys, the hats and any other memorabilia that we think will help our teams win. It's the time of year to watch big, fat, corn fed white guys bumble down the field and get paid millions of dollars for it!! Ahhhh....:)

Some people don't like to watch pre-season because the 1st string only is only on the field for a few series, or maybe the whole 1st quarter if you're lucky. I personally see it a different way. (Go figure!) Here are grown men fighting to show the coach the fact that Yes...I am worthy of wearing this uniform and becoming a permanent name on the team roster! They will do anything to make sure they don't see that pink slip hanging on their locker after the game! You know the one..."We dangled the idea of playing professional football in your face, but after further review, we think you suck and now you need to pack up your shit and go home!" No one wants the harsh reality of trading their jersey for a cubicle. It really makes for some great football!!

Unfortunateyly, this season is gonna have a down side. (Other than the fact that Michael Vick, the poster child for douche bags will be able to play) My football buddy and very best friend will be in Afghanistan and unable to waive his terrible towel or wear his Jerome Bettis jersey. Sigh. On the positive side, his sacrifices are the ones that allow us to have the freedom to watch what we want, when we want. Thanks my Chickenhead!! <3

I'm so bored!!

Okay...so here I am doing my first blog ever!!! Now, some of you maybe saying, "it's about time you old fart!! Step into the millenium!" or maybe something along the lines of "why the hell bother...you have nothing to tell that we can't learn about on Facebook!" Whatever the case might be, I don't give a crap because this is mainly for my own sanity (what little I may have left) so please, just bear with me or logout!

I have never felt the need to blog before as I never felt I had anything overly exciting to say! Well, as most of you know, Steven is gone for training until the 4th of September and Jaylin has gone back to her dad's, so that pretty much leaves me and my four legged kids to pass the time. Well, you can only carry on a conversation with a rottweiler for so long until your ready to bust out the kibble and maybe gnaw on a milk bone! Ugh...not a pretty thought!!

So, when all else fails, turn to Facebook!! There's always Farm Town...which until they add trailers, cars parked on the lawn with no engines and precious inbred children to play on the playground set, it really loses it's appeal after a while!! Well...it just happens that tonight I was chatting with a wonderful old friend from elementary school who nudged me to start a blog so I could at least use it as a "stress release." (Thank you Tim!!) So, here I am doing just that. Like I said, it's a new thing so please keep the "constructive criticism" to a minimum for now!!